Reflection 3

From Ikon

Cary Gison approached the center of the room and began to speak,

This is what gratitude feels like for me…

So there I was eating a big plate of stew and talking with danielle louise.

dani told me that she knew some folks in new york.

on september 11th, with all hell breaking loose, 2 of her friends each contacted 2 others, each one professing their love for their friend, each one believing they may not survive the day and wanting to die knowing they had confessed their hearts' romantic desire for so much more... needless to say, they lived to tell the tale...it's amazing how bad things need to get for people to take a risk of the heart...

and dani said if you knew that you'd call someone in the face of death, then you should do it today. dani's into bold gestures. she has an aussie's gutsiness. she was making a powerful point about the fear that binds us as humans...and as i drove home i was listening to the sigur ros track ::hoppipola:: (which translates as jumping into puddles - what an amazing language, that one word could describe that!) and i thought that it was very much the soundtrack to someone making such a bold heart gesture...jumping in to make a splash...it's the sound of an arm outstretched with a big bunch of roses beyond caring if they get turned down... of someone running through the pouring rain and shouting romantic poetry up to a window at 3 in the morning...of a first kiss leading to shared laughter of mirthful, surprised and gratified delight... or indeed the sound of the universe applauding the bravery of lost and wandering souls to keep going and to dare to have hope when all seems lost...

but i must backtrack. i had made friends with a demon.

The night before had been significant...with my housemate out of town, i faced what in many ways i considered my first real night alone in the house...i knew it was coming, that i had to meet it head on…. To confront the solitude and silence...

i got through it...i sat in total silence for longer than i think i ever willingly have by choice...something i find deeply discomforting...aloneness has always been a dragon i was too scared to slay...and in between the silences i poured words onto the page...

and then... so that i might feel connected to my fellow sojourners on parallel and entwined journeys of their own and who too are discovering contemplative space and what it means for us each to be fully alive, i listened for the first time with real committed intention to ::takk:: by sigur ros - an album which so many of us are all getting to know – allowed it to fill my senses, to suffuse the air and reach inside me…

and then I wrote some more... and cried... and smiled...and cried and smiled at the same time for good measure... and finally allowed the aloneness to be released from confrontation into consolation...finding that in the powerful long quiet that followed the music i didn't feel the disconnection i feared...

the track that really spoke to me that night in the dark hours of the night was ::glosoli::

as i began to feel fear turn to peace unfolding into hope becoming gratitude and wonder, i wrote the following...

it is the sound of

a hand opening

a bird stretching its wings

of icicles melting

of moments cracking with grace

the sound of someone stepping up and out into nothingness to fly

i sent this, and pages more of darkness, heartache, doubt, fragile hopes, memory and thankfulness, that had spilled out over many hours, and sent them out into the night to a fellow traveller still bravely slaying dragons of fear of their own... and in the morning this letter came back...

..there is something about fear that has the potential

to turn into excitement. hope can guide it there, a

good thought, an inspiring word from another, can

allow you to move toward looking out at the vast

expanses with excitement. a glimmer in your eye, the

adventure, the fascination, the inquisitive child that

must know what lies beyond those hills, like having to

look to see what is on the other side of the hedge at

the top of your garden.

there is a whole world of healing delights waiting

a night. a day. two songs. side by side. in turn, feeding me. inspiring me. expressing the universal...and the shared journey and the love and the inspiringly beautiful thoughts of people i love...all entwining...connecting me..giving me safe harbour despite the solitude...

i have no idea what the lyrics of either of those songs mean and like my friend steve, i'm not sure :I’d ever want a translation... the beauty of the language is it's otherness...so unrecognisable and unfamiliar... it is mystery... it can mean anything... and so it becomes universal...restricted only by our imaginations...

i know that on the good days i have faith in a kingdom where we run and leap, and open our hands, and make big splashes in joyfulness, and express our hearts without fear...

in the celtic tradition there is a beautiful concept of a thin place...where that kingdom is so close you can feel its presence. i always imagined that as another plane. a parallel universe rubbing up beside us...but today i'm thinking it's maybe inside...

for every difficult day to come... today i feel anchored...grounded...

and i am surprised and gratitudinal - grateful beyond measure - to feel something that might have the embryonic hints of what it is for me to be fully alive… as me...

friends, may our journey feel like adventure more days than not...i offer my fist and open my palm...a small gesture... but sincerely meant...

oh... and i'm guessing the romantics amongst you will know doubt be heartened to know that those brave new yorkers were rewarded for their bravery...it turns out the feeling was mutual. as far as i know those two couples are both still happily entwined. let's hope so. And be thankful for daring….